The D-Word

Oh, how long it has been since I blogged here.  Its certainly has NOT been for lack of anything to write. 
Au contraire, mon frere.  My life has been full of overmuch to write about.  Overmuch.

The short of it is this ... I'm nearing the end of a divorce.

*exhale*

The long of it is ... a novel.

I have neither the time nor the space to share all the details.  Nor do I wish to malign my soon-to-be ex.  What I DO want to do ... and am so thrilled to do ... is tell you that I serve SUCH a great God.  He has been an ever-present help in my time of trouble, a refuge, and my strength.

My experience with Divorce is that it is awful ... devastating.  In Malachi 2:16, God declares, "I hate divorce."  Though I seldom use a word so strong as hate, I couldn't agree more.  I hate divorce.  It is horrible, a ripping apart of what had once been joined together.  It is bloody and messy and painful.  I've never experienced such grief as I did in the aftermath of accepting that this marriage had passed the point of restoration save a miracle.  And I believe in miracles.  But to accept that no miracle was coming ... arghhh ... so painful.

Through all the suffering, though, God provided such sweetness in my life.  I've never suffered more, but neither have I felt Him so close, so comforting. 

Over the past couple weeks, I've emerged from a dark wood into the dawn that breaks just before the morning.  I feel good.  I feel whole.  I feel healthy.  And that is ALL God. 

My husband moved out in January following a domestic incident, and later in April filed for divorce.  Since the separation, I have participated in weekly counseling, leaned on my amazing friends, and submitted myself before the Lord.  I was determined that if I must go through the grief and anguish of a divorce, then at the very least, I was going to emerge from it healed and whole ... and I have!

Over the course of the past year, I have kept a private blog detailing the uglier issues in my marriage and subsequent separation, and finally divorce.  I share this openly with a small group of sisters in Christ - each of whom He specifically identified for me - and in turn, they have encouraged me, strengthened me, ministered to me, and prayed for me.  In that blog, on December 23, 2009, I wrote the following:

The First Gleam of Dawn

The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
shining ever brighter till the full light of day.
But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
they do not know what makes them stumble.
My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
-Proverbs 4 (18-27)

So, my journey at present has been characterized as a dark woods. When N and J prayed for me yesterday, N specifically asked that His Light might pierce the darkness. As we lifted our heads from prayer, I saw tears shining in J's eyes and she said, "I just saw the dark woods - and the tops of the trees are flooded with Light."

I LOVE that. In the dark woods, I see only dark ... and more dark.  But if I were to see outside of the woods, I would know that it is completely bathed in Light.  It reminds me of Proverb 4:18 where the righteous path is lit at first with the smallest rays of light - just as the sun first peeking over the horizon pierces the dark with the thinnest laser of light. But as you continue to walk the path, the light grows until you look around and realize, "Oh, the sun is shining full on me!" The full light of day.

I see the First Gleam of this particular leg of my journey - though I've seen His Light for quite some time - and it has been my guide.

Praise be to God.

Today, I had an epiphany related to that post.  Today, I feel as though I've stepped out of the woods, into the dawn, and am about to bask in the sunshine.  It feels so good!  SO GOOD!!!  I feel unbound.  I feel a joy and a peace and a wholeness that I've never before experienced.

And that is a miracle!

The following is a verse that has been such a comfort ... and a reality for me ... as I have journeyed this broken road.

The LORD your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
-Zephaniah 3:17