I've Been Undone ("Undo" by Rush of Fools)

Check out "Undo"! Following are the reflections it produced in me.



Artist: Rush Of Fools
Album: Rush Of Fools
Song: Undo
I’ve been here before
Now, here I am again
Standing at the door
Praying You’ll let me back in

To label me
A prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I’ve been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one
Who can undo what I’ve become

I focused on the score
But I could never win
Trying to ignore
A life of hiding my sin

To label me
A hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I’ve been known to be

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one
Who can undo what I’ve become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
You are the only one who can undo
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve become

I've been listening to "Undo" by Rush of Fools and wishing that I'd heard this song at any of a number of low points in my life where I KNEW that my life needed undoing, that it was not the life my Father had intended for me, but I didn't know what to do about it. I wish I'd known to cry out to him to undo the mess I'd made, "to bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace".

I think back to college where I knew my life was a miserable mess. I'd left behind Herman, the small farming town in which I'd been raised for the not-much-bigger town of St.Joseph where I fancied myself all cosmopolitan and worldly now that my address' population was 10 times that of my hometown's (6000 vs. 600). This was a big time, big city!

Besides my address, I'd decided to leave behind my old identity. In Herman, I was quieter and less social than my peers, happiest buried in a book where I could leave behind "Kris Ann" and become an amazing equestrienne, or a brilliant & beautiful detective, or belle of the ball. I was ordinary with an appetite for the extraordinary. In St. Joseph, my goal was to be known and adored by everyone.

My first weekend at my "new address", the "new me" went out with my "new friends" looking for "new adventures" (make that, ANY adventure)and found myself at a party where I had my first taste of alcohol, my first taste of freedom from the boundaries of myself - finally, finally I was free to do and say the things I could not bring myself to do or say, but wanted to.

I loathed the sweet, Christian girl I'd been - meekly obeying my parents and memorizing the books of the Bible and turning the other cheek and treating my body like a temple. I was sad and lonely and surely - surely - this was because of the church life that my family - and I, by proxy - had embraced. Surely God was my downfall. Surely all those Commandments and Golden Rules and such were making my life boring and dull and uneventful ... and lonely and sad. Surely, if I buried that girl - I'd find the peace and joy and friendships that had eluded me all my life. I would get rid of that girl. I'd undo what had been done and make a "new me", a better me. me, Me, ME.

And so, that's what I did. I took up drinking and smoking and drugs. I bought a black leather motorcycle jacket to match my new boyfriend's. I wore kilts and combat boots. I hung out at bars - never mind I was underage. I skipped classes, I went to raves, I was always available - for whatever, whenever, with whoever.

I remember studying my face in my dormitory mirror mid-way through that first year of college - and I didn't recognize myself. Who was that girl? It wasn't the girl who'd come to school - that's what I'd wanted - a "new me", but this girl - I didn't know her -and didn't like her any more than I'd liked the girl that I'd been. I knew that neither girl - not the sad one nor this new fake one - were who I was meant to be. But how to undo it all?

The short answer is: I couldn't undo it. But finally I turned to one who could - MUCH, MUCH later - I'm afraid, but that is another story, a long one - for another day ...